The New Me

Ok, so it’s 1/2/15, and a lot of people are creating “resolutions”. I mean, as an overweight, clinically depressed, psycho of a 28 year old female, but super friendly, loving person, I could come up with so many resolutions. But as a wife and dog owner, some things are already done.

But the new me is not a resolution. I pretty much need to overhaul my life. I need to work on my marriage, my body, my mind, my bank account, and my relationships. The one thing that needed to change before I literally committed suicide was my job.

Thankfully I did just that in 2014, but unfortunately I basically mutilated every other aspect of my life. I have no friends anymore, many major players in my family don’t like me (no, seriously, they admitted to just not liking me), I admitted to a marriage ruining event (because yes, I’m a despicable, horrible person), my weight is ballooning to over 250 lbs., and the frosting on the cake? I was actually told by my psychologist that I’m depressed.

So, 2015. This is not a resolution. This is the year I overhaul my life. This is where I’m going to talk about it.

What I need to work on?

1) Losing weight. Seriously, when you have trouble fitting your ass into an airplane seat and you can barely buckle the seat belt, it’s time. And it’s not like I haven’t tried before, but this time it has to happen. I need to eat less fast food, stop drinking soda and start using that Planet Fitness membership I got…like 4 months ago.

2) My marriage. We took the first step and started counseling. We’re now on our 2nd therapist and our sessions are almost done. But he’s been pretty great. He’s given me some great books to read and is really empowering me to fix my brain, and I’m not kidding, he said that I have to ability to actually re-wire the synapses in my brain to be less negative, have more motivation, etc. But I need to be nicer to Kyle, I need to appreciate him more, dote on him a little more. Even though he works 2nd shift and we NEVER SEE EACHOTHER, yet we live in the same house. Ugh…marriage.

3) I need to work on my relationships with my friends. See them more, talk to them more. I have 2…and a 3rd one, but she’s got two kids and I literally haven’t talked to her in forever, but we did get her Christmas card. I need to find more too, somehow.

4) My dad and my sister. I need to figure out how to deal without them without blowing up in anger, crying or having a shit fit. They are two of the most difficult people I’ve ever had to deal with, but I keep telling myself, they cannot be impossible.

5) Money. I make what I make, that’s pretty much all I can do in that sense, but I need to clean up my finances. Delete all of those “pay per month” things, buy less clothes, stop using my card. Start using coupons. Ugh…that means getting really organized.

So. There it is. It’s been said it’s empowering to put your thoughts in writing. So, here is where I work on the new me, and this is where I’m going to try to motivate and empower myself.


The Reality

I have not gotten to live out a normal life. I rarely got dates, I never got to date the guys I really wanted too, I’ve been treated like I’m inhuman.

Why? I’ve been overweight since I was 11. At this point in my life, I’m over 250 lbs. and I’m only 5’4″. I’ve used every excuse in the book and I’ve tried and tried to lose the weight.

I get dirty looks, I get left out of things, I’m never considered one of the girls or fun to hang out with. I’m an awesome person. I’ve had a lot of fun experiences, I love music, movies and fashion, I love to dance, and believe it or not, I love to work out. I’m just not good at staying self-motivated.

I was always a cute kid. People fawned over me. When puberty hit, I started to gain weight. I weight about 10x my age every year. When I was 15 I was 150, when I was 16 I was 160 and so one. I lost weight my sophomore year of high school, but that was about it.

When I younger I loved helping out my teachers. I loved to pass out papers and take things down to the office. In 5th grade a boy would follow me around while I passed out papers and would oink and moo at me. He’d come up to me at lunch and tell me to keep shoveling it in. He threw food at me and would tell me, “eat it fattie”. It was humiliating. What sunk my social life was when he did this the last time in school and I called him a jerk. I was taken down to the principal’s office for calling him a bad name. It was ridiculous. My principal was furious with my teacher for letting this happen and she had to sit with me in front of my entire class and explain bullying. I sat there and cried, in front of all of my “friends”.

I was labeled the crazy, sensitive, fat girl after that. The worst part was that I played sports, danced and was a cheerleader. I played basketball, soccer and softball. I played outside all the time.

I was told that a guy would date me if I looked like another girl in school, I’ve been told that the floor shakes when I walk by, I’ve overheard that I’m fat and nasty, I’ve heard that it’s a shame I’m so big. I’ve been treated like a 5th class citizen. My own father said, “look at that jiggle” when we were playing horseshoes when I was 13. I’ve been told I’m too big to shop at Macy’s. I’ve been told to look elsewhere when shopping for dresses at Nordstrom’s.

It’s really hard to lose weight when people applaud you for changing who you are so they can accept you. It makes me sad. Scratch that, it makes me down right depressed.

It’s been a hard few days and I’m really not in a good place right now.

Sweet Sixteen

I realized it this year, it has been a decade since I was 16 years old. Seriously, people aren’t joking when they say 16 is the best year of your life. I wouldn’t say it’s been my best or favorite year, but it was pretty damn good.

My birthday from the time that I turned 14 for many years was a great day, usually, but during those years, very sad, bad, odd things happened.

In Wisconsin my parents owned a townhouse. We lived on one half and my grandmother lived in the other. When she moved and passed, and family of 6 moved in next door. The parents were really nice and the kids were friendly, but they came with a lot of, I guess you could say baggage.

They lived next to us for a year or two before my mom and I moved. On my 15th birthday, right after we moved, we found out the he had a heart attack, and no one was home when it happened. He died on my birthday.

On my 17th birthday or neighbor, who was an alcoholic showed up and was puking up blood and big chunks of something, which if I didn’t know much about human anatomy, I would have thought was actually his liver. He had to be air lifted to the hospital from our driveway, on my birthday.

The year between those was my sweet sixteen. I had been thinking about that birthday for years. In Milwaukee I would have expected a car and dinner with my family. In Arkansas, I planned on going to the basketball game and then having my friends over for a slumber party.

That morning I woke up and got ready for school. Before I came out of my room I opened my blinds and saw a dead mole outside my window. It turned out that our cat left me a present…

I went to school and I was so excited for my slumber party. Right away in the morning one of my friends told me she couldn’t come to my party anymore, a few hours later, another dropped out, then another, and another and another. I ended up crying in the bathroom. My birthday was ruined 😦

I came home from school and when I got home, our cat looked like he was eating the mole under my window. We ran up to him to scare him, and saw that he had now also caught a flying squirrel for me. What was crazy was that our cat had no front or back claws and was the sweetest cat. How he caught a flying squirrel is beyond me! But it was like, my friends hate me and my cat is honoring me with dead rodents. This day is fantastic.

After dinner I told my mom I didn’t want to go to the basketball game anymore. She told me to stop being a drama queen and drove me back to school for the game. Derrick was supposed to give me a ride home, which made me REALLY excited, yet he was totally back on with Kara at the time, which sucked. So my night got even worse.

Most of my friends were in the band or on the basketball team so I had to wait for the girl’s game to be over before I could hang out with them. Kara and Kayla came out and watched the boys game with me. The band finished early and Kaci joined us. She told me that she was going to be able to come over afterall. I was so happy that at least one of my friends was coming!

As we were walking out, I lost Kara and Kayla in the crowd. The next thing I know, Kayla pops up from behind the concession stand with her stuff. I think there were more people, but I can’t remember. Kaci and Kayla were going to celebrate my birthday 🙂

My mom picked us up and when we got home, they all ran inside, leaving me there behind.

I walked through our dark garage and into the kitchen, and there was Derrick, Kara, Kayla, Kaci, and a bunch of other kids from school that were there for my birthday. It was awesome! I think Nathan and Roger were there too, but I can’t remember. All that matter was that my girlfriends were there, Derrick was there, and they all set this up to surprise me. My mom is awesome too. It was pretty awesome.

So, I was back in Milwaukee for my 18th birthday. I turned 19 in college with my hall mates.

I don’t remember my 20th birthday, I had some good party moments that year, so that might be why I don’t remember. What I do remember is that I found out Derrick got married on my birthday. Not only did he get married, but he married someone many years YOUNGER than me. It was gross. I cried. She had a baby a few months later. Then she had another. Very sad. He was a super smart guy and was going places, screwed up in college and I don’t know. I know he’s not doing much with his life now, considering he still lives on the same street as my mom.

I spent my 21st birthday with Kyle, my sister and my brother in law, and then exactly one month later I drove 7 hours from Eau Claire to Macomb to surprise my boyfriend of 3 months for his 21st birthday. Plus his roommate and I planned a big party. It was awesome!

But since then, birthdays have sucked.

I plan on changing that. My birthday is October 12, Kyle’s is November 12, our dog’s birthday is October 13, and Halloween falls in between all of those. I’m hoping to have big Halloween birthday parties in the future 🙂


To clarify…

As I see people are following and who knows if people I know are going to find this, I need people to know that despite the multiple losers and experiences from my past, those experiences led me to Kyle.

Our story is something out of an epic love story. Kyle and I were born a month apart, to the day, and in the same hospital. We both grew up in Franklin, me on the southwest side and his family lives on the north side. Our fathers worked at the same factory, but my dad worked on on side and his dad worked on another. My dad made catalytic converters and his dad made circuit boards and things of the like. We attended the same company festivals, take your kids to work days, summer playground, and eventually middle school.

Before I moved to Arkansas with my mom, we got out 8th grade yearbooks. As tradition, my BFF Laura and I went through it and picked out the worst picture of the year. I’ll never for get it. It was a boy with those tinted glasses, spiked hair with frosted tips and the most obnoxious Hawaiian shirt. His name is Kyle Schommer.

I’ll get to the very interesting story of how I became the relationship guru in high school, but this someone transcended 650 miles to Milwaukee. It was always so exciting when I got a phone call or a letter from friends back home. One afternoon, Laura called me. She was having a major conundrum. She joined the bowling team, which I was sure was social suicide, but she loved it. Her problem was that there was a boy on the bowling team that she was sure liked her, and she didn’t feel the same way. The situation was getting to awkward and she needed help letting him down easy. His name is Kyle Schommer.

When I moved back to Franklin and went to Franklin High School for my last year, I was a totally different person than I was when I left. I joined the yearbook staff and because the bowling team was like the armpit of the sports teams, it was the only sports page left for the book, so I took it upon myself to do it. This required me to go to the matches and take pictures. This also required me to talk to the coach to find out where I could all go to take pictures. That coach is Kyle Schommer’s mom…

One day I was at Laura’s locker with her when this boy came up and asked about bowling practice. I greeted him, and he just looked at my and continued his conversation with Laura. I was like, really? Asshole! His name is Kyle Schommer.

It turned out that my friends were also Kyle’s friends. I was good friends with his friend Tom, and I was also friends with his best friend Scott. He was friends with Laura, so I mean, it only made sense that we would be friends.

Fast forward to prom. Laura and her boyfriend at the time tried to set me up with one of his friends, who was seriously creepy and gross. We talked on AIM a few times and after he said he wanted nothing more than to rub my feet, he was no longer my prom date. I thought it would be awesome to go with my childhood friend Matt Tatlock, but he already had a date 😦 Tom and I had agreed that if no one asked us that we would go together, but a junior on the bowling team was crying because she had no one to go with so he asked her 😦 So, our friends tried to get Kyle and I to go together. This is still a sore subject with me. He thought I was a loser, and I was not asking a boy to prom. I went alone, Kyle stayed home. He’s still in the doghouse for this 🙂

The next year I went to UW-Eau Claire and he went to Western Illinois University. The summer between freshman and sophomore year, we both worked in the factory our dads worked in. I worked 2nd shift on my dads side and he worked 3rd shift on his dads side. I knew he worked there, and my friends kept telling me to look for him. I did, to the point that I almost crossed over to his building, which was a major no-no. I didn’t end up doing this.

Throughout senior year and the breaks and that summer our friends invited Laura to Kyle’s to hang out and she invited me with. Because of the locker thing, the prom thing and other reasons, I didn’t want to go. Near the end of the summer I broke down and agreed to go play bingo with them at the local casino.

I had actually met his parents when Laura invited me to go to a Brewer’s game with her mom and some “friends” she was inviting. So it was funny when I showed up at their house. We went down into the basement and I’ll never forget what he was wearing. He looked so cute. The problem was, he was an asshole, and I was a competitive bitch. We fought the whole night about who’s side of the factory was better, who made more parts, and yada yada yada. I flirted with another one of their friends all night, and as we were leaving, Kyle and I started talking with more civility. Our dads were actually forced to retire that summer, and we were bonding over that.

As Kyle and I walked down the casino hallway back to the parking garage with our friends, we were really into talking to each other and hearing each other’s thoughts about the situation. The next thing we know, we’re in the parking garage, and our friends are no where to be seen.

I can’t explain what happened next. All I know is that something from deep inside of me radiated from the inside of my body to the tips of my fingers and toes. I had to grab the car next to me to keep from falling down.

Kyle asked me if I was ok, and I was, but wow, that was weird. I called my mom the next day and explained what happened and she told me to keep an eye on him.

So this was back in the early days of Facebook when you had to wait for your school to be added and only college student were allowed. I kind of stalked his page and then proceeded to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait for a friend request that simply wasn’t coming. 

Just before I left for college I got an IM from Western1420. It said “How’s Delphi?” My response: “Who the hell is this and how the hell do you know where I work?” Turned out, it was Kyle. 

From that point on, our relationship was all over IM. We talked almost everyday. By Christmas, I liked him. By Spring Break we went on our first date. By summer we were dating. By August, I was in love.

My mistake was blurting it out. It was so romantic. He was leaving for school and stopped at my house to say goodbye. We were standing at the edge of my dad’s driveway. I was standing on the top of the curb and he was standing on the street. We were holding each other, hugging, kissing, saying goodbye. And then I said it. He giggled and kissed me. And that was that.

The implications of the giggle and kiss were almost devastating. My first week back to school I met another guy at a party. Our relationship grew quickly and we were extremely attracted to each other. It took everything I had not to sleep with him, and I tried really hard not to kiss him, but I failed. By the next weekend, I was ready to dump Kyle.

That Saturday Adam, the other guy, invited me to his house to watch a movie. I thought this was going to be his roommates, but it turned out it was going to be on his futon in his room. We watched about half of the movie and then we were all over each other. As we were kissing, my subconscious kicked in and I thought I was kissing Kyle, and then realized I wasn’t. I had a mini panic attack, told him I had to leave. It freaked him out and I rushed out of him room and down the stairs. He walked me outside and I walked to my dad’s car, which I was borrowing for the weekend. As I walked to the car, instead of waving goodbye, and being the total dork I am, I saluted him. Yes, I saluted him.

I got into the car and immediately called Kyle and got his voicemail. I left him a message and said that I needed to talk to him immediately and I was going to be working at my dorm’s front desk overnight.

At that moment, I realized that I loved Kyle, but he needed to know. He got back to me over IM. I told him everything. The fortunate thing that came out of that situation was that it made Kyle realize that he loved me. 

So, from that point on, we were together. We had some rough patches when he flunked out of college, but I loved him so I supported his goals.

Soon after, I knew I was going to marry him. I brought up to him that I had been having thoughts lately. Thoughts that involved a house, kids and a dog. Couples bowling with my sister and brother in law, and growing old together. I was nervous when I told him, and then he told me he had been thinking that too.

He proposed to me during my last Christmas break of college in December of 2009. In April of 2012 we bought our house, in September we got married and December we got our dog.

Despite the other guys I will write about and the horrible experiences, I love my husband, and it’s these guys and experiences that got me ready to spend the rest of my life with Kyle Schommer.


Ok, so I’m totally not unhappy with my life, but I with all of the crap that came down between my 14th-21st birthdays, you have to understand that I had to make a lot of life-altering choices at a young age, and I can’t help but think how things could be very different if I had zigged instead of zagged.

First changed I could have made was choosing to stay in Milwaukee with my dad or move to Arkansas with my mom.

A regret I have is not having a party when I lived down there. My mom and her boyfriend were never home. I was such a good girl/dork, plus no one actually drank down there, but I could have had a rager. Ugh, I should have done it. It would have been awesome.

I regret not having sex with Derrick. I had three chances, and I nixed it every time. Granted, I probably made the best choice, because he had sex with a lot of skeevy, and trashy girls. More than likely, he could have passed a myriad of diseases on to me, eww.

I regret breaking up with Tyler freshman year. He stuttered and had really bad shoes. But he was hot, and really sweet. But it was a problem when he told me he wouldn’t kiss me until we were married. That was the kicker. Turned out, he was joking.

I regret ever dating Greg. That was a mistake and was me totally trying to fit in down there. He was my first boyfriend. He was not cute, handsy and a total stage-5 clinger. We were at a hayride or hay pull, or whatever they call them down there on a family farm of a student at our school. It was through a local church and anyone who was anyone in our school was there. When we got to the location we walked down to the river with our friends. My friend was dating his friend and the next thing we know, they are majorly sucking face. Can you say awkward? He and I hadn’t kissed and I was feeling super uncomfortable. The next thing I know he’s getting closer to me. He pulled me into him and said, “where’s my kiss?” It was horrible, and I mean HORRIBLE. He literally shoved his tongue down my throat. My only kissing experience before that was with Matt Tatlock when I was 5 years old. We thought it was fun to kiss in my playskool tent in the dark. How cute were we??? The same can’t be said for Greg. I spent the next few seriously awkward weeks ignoring him, not answering his phone calls, and flirting with his friends. Because of how crazy and awkward the whole situation was, and because I had never done it before, I broke up with him with a note during a morning class break. When I was at my locker after class he came up to me, didn’t say anything, and ripped up my school picture in front of me, stomped on it, and walked away. It took everything in me to not bust out laughing, because seriously, who does that?

I regret helping Derrick with Kara and never telling him how I truly felt. I know that he knew, but I always wonder what would have happened if I actually let it out there. I also regret lying to EVERYONE about how I felt. It’s not like people didn’t know, but it was the lies that ruined everything.

You know what I don’t regret?

I don’t regret falling in love with Derrick.

I don’t regret moving back to Milwaukee.

Those are two things that have made my life what they are.

That Guy

I want to think that everyone has “that” person that they loved in high school.

I had that person. He was amazing, and a total asshole. What I was able to realize in reflection is that he was using me. I can’t be totally cynical though, I know that he had feelings for me, but he never said anything.

I was the new kid at my school in Arkansas. I had my first boyfriend within weeks and another one within weeks of dumping the last one. Once I was done with him, Derrick came into my life.

Now, when I say he came into my life, I mean we met by the soda machine during our morning break. I don’t completely remember how it happened, but I do remember someone telling him that I was the new girl that moved into his neighborhood, and then he realized who I was.

I was used to being a nobody back home in Milwaukee. I was short, fat and not rich by any means. Luckily I was graced with good looks, but my less than perfect body has ruined most of my life. People suck, pure and simple. But when I moved to Arkansas, people still cared about how I looked, but no one knew my past, I was able to reinvent myself. But I didn’t, I just stayed true to myself.

In the process I learned I was strong, and kind of a bitch. I had turned into a bit of a maneater and it turned out I gained a reputation as someone not to be crossed. Within a few months I went from loser to superstar. I was on everyone’s radar, and I can’t say it wasn’t awesome, most of the time.

Anyways, that recognition had gotten me an in with one of the most popular guy’s in high school, and a junior. He was cute, and super smooth. Unfortunately, it’s those guys that always get to me.

I don’t remember how this happened, but it was almost summer, and it was Sunday, which meant major sleeping in. I remembered my light yellow room was filled with warm sunlight and I was cuddled up in my queen sized bed in the master bedroom my mom relinquished to me in my parents’ fight to win me over, not that I had any problems with that.

The next thing I knew my mom’s boyfriend was knocking at the door. I curled up in my covers and told him he could come in.

“There’s a boy here to see you.”

I was confused, who in the hell was randomly coming to see me at 11 am on Sunday morning, especially of the male persuasion?

I asked him who it was. “It’s the McCandlis boy.”

Then I knew who it was. I felt sick. Not only was I still in bed, but I wasn’t showered, dressed, or had a stitch of makeup on my face. I got out of bed and tried to get as presentable as possible in a very short amount of time.

My mom set him up outside on the back porch with a glass of water. I came out of the back screen door and saw Derrick sitting there. I was still in shock.

“Hey, what are you doing here,” I asked?

I remember him saying something about being neighborly and then he made fun of me for still being in bed when he got there. I’m a night owl, that’s never going to change.

He got the low-down on my past, and then he cut to brass tax. He was in love with my best friend and needed my help to reign her in.

Bingo. That’s what ruled the next three years of my life. He changed everything, and I was never the same again. The relationship changed my friendships, challenged my values, and caused me to lose trust in people.

Yes, Derrick was that boy for me. To cut to the chase, I was madly in love with him, and he was madly in love with my friend. The weird thing was, when he wasn’t with her, he was all over me, and other girls. That’s a story for later, but this guy changed my life. The truth is, I wonder if he knew that, or knows that? The worst part is, my mom still lives down there, and he now lives down the street from her with his wife and two boys, which is yet another story. The fact that I even know anything about him now makes me feel stalkerish, but seriously, blame Facebook.

I can’t possibly fit all stories on one post. There’s a lot to come, from being a relationship guru, having guys fighting over me in the middle of a class, getting called a homewrecker around school for making out with my best friends recently ex-boyfriend, crying during an assembly, having a sobbing and regretful boy begging for my forgiveness at my front door, sneaking out to make out on a four wheeler, having the most amazing surprise 16th birthday party…all of this involved him.

Gosh, lots to write. Can’t wait!

What this is all about.

So I’ve had a lot of of experiences, good, bad, crazy, and the like. High school was nuts, and the years after got even crazier. I’ve been trying to write a book, but things come back to me in flashes, incomplete, and often with pieces altered by my unconscious. So, to get things out of my head, and in some cases, off of my chest, this is going to be my outlet.

Get ready for the soap opera that is my past life.