Regrets

Ok, so I’m totally not unhappy with my life, but I with all of the crap that came down between my 14th-21st birthdays, you have to understand that I had to make a lot of life-altering choices at a young age, and I can’t help but think how things could be very different if I had zigged instead of zagged.

First changed I could have made was choosing to stay in Milwaukee with my dad or move to Arkansas with my mom.

A regret I have is not having a party when I lived down there. My mom and her boyfriend were never home. I was such a good girl/dork, plus no one actually drank down there, but I could have had a rager. Ugh, I should have done it. It would have been awesome.

I regret not having sex with Derrick. I had three chances, and I nixed it every time. Granted, I probably made the best choice, because he had sex with a lot of skeevy, and trashy girls. More than likely, he could have passed a myriad of diseases on to me, eww.

I regret breaking up with Tyler freshman year. He stuttered and had really bad shoes. But he was hot, and really sweet. But it was a problem when he told me he wouldn’t kiss me until we were married. That was the kicker. Turned out, he was joking.

I regret ever dating Greg. That was a mistake and was me totally trying to fit in down there. He was my first boyfriend. He was not cute, handsy and a total stage-5 clinger. We were at a hayride or hay pull, or whatever they call them down there on a family farm of a student at our school. It was through a local church and anyone who was anyone in our school was there. When we got to the location we walked down to the river with our friends. My friend was dating his friend and the next thing we know, they are majorly sucking face. Can you say awkward? He and I hadn’t kissed and I was feeling super uncomfortable. The next thing I know he’s getting closer to me. He pulled me into him and said, “where’s my kiss?” It was horrible, and I mean HORRIBLE. He literally shoved his tongue down my throat. My only kissing experience before that was with Matt Tatlock when I was 5 years old. We thought it was fun to kiss in my playskool tent in the dark. How cute were we??? The same can’t be said for Greg. I spent the next few seriously awkward weeks ignoring him, not answering his phone calls, and flirting with his friends. Because of how crazy and awkward the whole situation was, and because I had never done it before, I broke up with him with a note during a morning class break. When I was at my locker after class he came up to me, didn’t say anything, and ripped up my school picture in front of me, stomped on it, and walked away. It took everything in me to not bust out laughing, because seriously, who does that?

I regret helping Derrick with Kara and never telling him how I truly felt. I know that he knew, but I always wonder what would have happened if I actually let it out there. I also regret lying to EVERYONE about how I felt. It’s not like people didn’t know, but it was the lies that ruined everything.

You know what I don’t regret?

I don’t regret falling in love with Derrick.

I don’t regret moving back to Milwaukee.

Those are two things that have made my life what they are.

That Guy

I want to think that everyone has “that” person that they loved in high school.

I had that person. He was amazing, and a total asshole. What I was able to realize in reflection is that he was using me. I can’t be totally cynical though, I know that he had feelings for me, but he never said anything.

I was the new kid at my school in Arkansas. I had my first boyfriend within weeks and another one within weeks of dumping the last one. Once I was done with him, Derrick came into my life.

Now, when I say he came into my life, I mean we met by the soda machine during our morning break. I don’t completely remember how it happened, but I do remember someone telling him that I was the new girl that moved into his neighborhood, and then he realized who I was.

I was used to being a nobody back home in Milwaukee. I was short, fat and not rich by any means. Luckily I was graced with good looks, but my less than perfect body has ruined most of my life. People suck, pure and simple. But when I moved to Arkansas, people still cared about how I looked, but no one knew my past, I was able to reinvent myself. But I didn’t, I just stayed true to myself.

In the process I learned I was strong, and kind of a bitch. I had turned into a bit of a maneater and it turned out I gained a reputation as someone not to be crossed. Within a few months I went from loser to superstar. I was on everyone’s radar, and I can’t say it wasn’t awesome, most of the time.

Anyways, that recognition had gotten me an in with one of the most popular guy’s in high school, and a junior. He was cute, and super smooth. Unfortunately, it’s those guys that always get to me.

I don’t remember how this happened, but it was almost summer, and it was Sunday, which meant major sleeping in. I remembered my light yellow room was filled with warm sunlight and I was cuddled up in my queen sized bed in the master bedroom my mom relinquished to me in my parents’ fight to win me over, not that I had any problems with that.

The next thing I knew my mom’s boyfriend was knocking at the door. I curled up in my covers and told him he could come in.

“There’s a boy here to see you.”

I was confused, who in the hell was randomly coming to see me at 11 am on Sunday morning, especially of the male persuasion?

I asked him who it was. “It’s the McCandlis boy.”

Then I knew who it was. I felt sick. Not only was I still in bed, but I wasn’t showered, dressed, or had a stitch of makeup on my face. I got out of bed and tried to get as presentable as possible in a very short amount of time.

My mom set him up outside on the back porch with a glass of water. I came out of the back screen door and saw Derrick sitting there. I was still in shock.

“Hey, what are you doing here,” I asked?

I remember him saying something about being neighborly and then he made fun of me for still being in bed when he got there. I’m a night owl, that’s never going to change.

He got the low-down on my past, and then he cut to brass tax. He was in love with my best friend and needed my help to reign her in.

Bingo. That’s what ruled the next three years of my life. He changed everything, and I was never the same again. The relationship changed my friendships, challenged my values, and caused me to lose trust in people.

Yes, Derrick was that boy for me. To cut to the chase, I was madly in love with him, and he was madly in love with my friend. The weird thing was, when he wasn’t with her, he was all over me, and other girls. That’s a story for later, but this guy changed my life. The truth is, I wonder if he knew that, or knows that? The worst part is, my mom still lives down there, and he now lives down the street from her with his wife and two boys, which is yet another story. The fact that I even know anything about him now makes me feel stalkerish, but seriously, blame Facebook.

I can’t possibly fit all stories on one post. There’s a lot to come, from being a relationship guru, having guys fighting over me in the middle of a class, getting called a homewrecker around school for making out with my best friends recently ex-boyfriend, crying during an assembly, having a sobbing and regretful boy begging for my forgiveness at my front door, sneaking out to make out on a four wheeler, having the most amazing surprise 16th birthday party…all of this involved him.

Gosh, lots to write. Can’t wait!